My Story

Many of you know this about me, but recently I have had someone close to me struggling with anxiety, so I wanted to share my story with her...

I’ve been on medication for anxiety for over two years. I’ve always been such a perfectionist, you know, and I think it started a long time ago…I probably should have started seeing someone or taking something when I was your age. But I figured, I’ll tough it out, blah blah blah.
Well, let me tell you how that worked out. My first quarter of college at the U, I was super stressed with classes. I wound up with a 2.9 GPA. Yep, I got a 2.9 (B, B-, B-). Me, little miss 4.0 in high school. I even remember being afraid to tell dad my grades, but he said he was proud of me, that he knew I had done my best, and so what if it wasn’t a 4.0 like it used to be? I still did good!! I kind of believed him then, but it took a while to sink in. In sum,

College is hard, and I wasn’t ready. But I got used to it gradually, and it got better.

I was pressuring myself too much, which actually had a negative effect on my ability to do good work.

By second quarter, because I kept pushing and pushing and didn’t take any time to take care of myself, I ended up back in Duluth – I had to take a quarter off from school b/c I was so anxious and upset and it made me sick. So I had to totally stop everything, get some perspective, and go back in the spring.

Finally, by spring, I realized that I wasn’t going to get a 4.0 in college. And I realized that it was okay. It really was! The people who got those kind of grades…well, they either had no life, or were geniuses. Good for them if they’re geniuses, but I’m not, so…oh well! And, I wanted to have a life, too – studying shouldn’t be everything!

Skip ahead a few years. It’s winter, and uncle Kenny had just died. I came up for the funeral, and then on Sunday came back to the Cities. I was supposed to go to school Monday, but called in sick. Same thing Tuesday. Was I really sick? No, not really. But for some reason, I was petrified to go back. It was weird, and the first time that my anxiety was so bad I missed work. I eventually did go back, but it was tempting to stay home under the covers. What was I afraid of? I don’t know. My friend Heather came over Tuesday night, made sure that I was okay, and made sure I would be back to school Wednesday. And I was, thanks to "my person", Heather.

Fast forward a few years. My last year of teaching, in the fall of 2006, I was not really looking forward to going to school every day. I just wasn’t into it, in a general sense. Something wasn’t right, because usually I look forward to the start of a new school year. Oddly, I found out later they actually call it "generalized anxiety disorder."

Then, in October, I went to the doctor for a regular exam, they found the little lumps in my neck, and that whole do-I-have-cancer drama sent me off in a spiral. I think they call it "situational anxiety" for something like that – but I had the general anxiety, too. So those two combined led to me not going into work for almost a month. I just couldn’t face it – I would shower, get dressed, and then break down and cry, and couldn’t stop. I would call for a sub, and spend the day sleeping. Even when dad came down to be with me for my neck surgery, I fell apart when he left – I mean, it was so weird. I would be fine on my own, I knew I would, and I knew I would see him a few days later when I came up for Xmas…but I just had a meltdown.

It was at this point, FINALLY, that I decided to get some help. I saw a therapist, which helped, and I could talk to him about the things that worried me or made me feel anxious. It was nice to get some feedback from someone who isn’t a friend or family member – someone who is unbiased and can give feedback without it being colored by feelings.

I got some anxiety meds, too, which I still take today. They help me feel more "level" – I used to go up and down, ya know? Like, be super-duper happy one day, then really bummed out the next, for no real reason. The meds helped stabilize that – I still have good & bad days, everyone does, but now it’s something I can deal with so much better.

OK, so that’s a lot of rambling. But I just wanted to tell you that this kind of thing affects a lot of people, including me. There isn’t anything wrong with having these feelings – my problem was I ignored it for too long, and let it affect too much of my life. I thought I had to be perfect all the time – that anything less wasn’t okay. Boy, was I wrong!! Perfect is way overrated – but a job well done, where you know you’ve worked hard and done your best – well, no one can take that away from you, and you can be proud of what you’ve accomplished.

The hardest thing for me was getting back to school, and getting back into the routine, after being gone so long. For some reason, I was afraid to go back. But then some friends helped me remember – school (for me, work) was a place where I had support, I had friends, I had some success and some familiarity. It was a good place to come back to.

I literally spent the night at my friend/coworker Barb’s house, the night before I was to go back to school after my long absence. She and her husband got up in the morning and did their thing, and I got up and got ready right along with them. Having them there made it easier to do those things, and to actually go to school. It didn’t seem like something I couldn’t handle, because hey, I wasn’t doing it alone! It was still hard, but I felt better after being back that first day. And then it got better by the second day. And so on and so on…I was so lucky to have Barb as "my person" during that time.

Things are good now - but it took a while to get here, and it didn't just magically happen on its own. I hope others know it's okay to seek help, and it's okay to talk about it. I will be that "person" for whomever needs me, whenever they need me. That goes for all of you out there - ok?