My Story

Many of you know this about me, but recently I have had someone close to me struggling with anxiety, so I wanted to share my story with her...

I’ve been on medication for anxiety for over two years. I’ve always been such a perfectionist, you know, and I think it started a long time ago…I probably should have started seeing someone or taking something when I was your age. But I figured, I’ll tough it out, blah blah blah.
Well, let me tell you how that worked out. My first quarter of college at the U, I was super stressed with classes. I wound up with a 2.9 GPA. Yep, I got a 2.9 (B, B-, B-). Me, little miss 4.0 in high school. I even remember being afraid to tell dad my grades, but he said he was proud of me, that he knew I had done my best, and so what if it wasn’t a 4.0 like it used to be? I still did good!! I kind of believed him then, but it took a while to sink in. In sum,

College is hard, and I wasn’t ready. But I got used to it gradually, and it got better.

I was pressuring myself too much, which actually had a negative effect on my ability to do good work.

By second quarter, because I kept pushing and pushing and didn’t take any time to take care of myself, I ended up back in Duluth – I had to take a quarter off from school b/c I was so anxious and upset and it made me sick. So I had to totally stop everything, get some perspective, and go back in the spring.

Finally, by spring, I realized that I wasn’t going to get a 4.0 in college. And I realized that it was okay. It really was! The people who got those kind of grades…well, they either had no life, or were geniuses. Good for them if they’re geniuses, but I’m not, so…oh well! And, I wanted to have a life, too – studying shouldn’t be everything!

Skip ahead a few years. It’s winter, and uncle Kenny had just died. I came up for the funeral, and then on Sunday came back to the Cities. I was supposed to go to school Monday, but called in sick. Same thing Tuesday. Was I really sick? No, not really. But for some reason, I was petrified to go back. It was weird, and the first time that my anxiety was so bad I missed work. I eventually did go back, but it was tempting to stay home under the covers. What was I afraid of? I don’t know. My friend Heather came over Tuesday night, made sure that I was okay, and made sure I would be back to school Wednesday. And I was, thanks to "my person", Heather.

Fast forward a few years. My last year of teaching, in the fall of 2006, I was not really looking forward to going to school every day. I just wasn’t into it, in a general sense. Something wasn’t right, because usually I look forward to the start of a new school year. Oddly, I found out later they actually call it "generalized anxiety disorder."

Then, in October, I went to the doctor for a regular exam, they found the little lumps in my neck, and that whole do-I-have-cancer drama sent me off in a spiral. I think they call it "situational anxiety" for something like that – but I had the general anxiety, too. So those two combined led to me not going into work for almost a month. I just couldn’t face it – I would shower, get dressed, and then break down and cry, and couldn’t stop. I would call for a sub, and spend the day sleeping. Even when dad came down to be with me for my neck surgery, I fell apart when he left – I mean, it was so weird. I would be fine on my own, I knew I would, and I knew I would see him a few days later when I came up for Xmas…but I just had a meltdown.

It was at this point, FINALLY, that I decided to get some help. I saw a therapist, which helped, and I could talk to him about the things that worried me or made me feel anxious. It was nice to get some feedback from someone who isn’t a friend or family member – someone who is unbiased and can give feedback without it being colored by feelings.

I got some anxiety meds, too, which I still take today. They help me feel more "level" – I used to go up and down, ya know? Like, be super-duper happy one day, then really bummed out the next, for no real reason. The meds helped stabilize that – I still have good & bad days, everyone does, but now it’s something I can deal with so much better.

OK, so that’s a lot of rambling. But I just wanted to tell you that this kind of thing affects a lot of people, including me. There isn’t anything wrong with having these feelings – my problem was I ignored it for too long, and let it affect too much of my life. I thought I had to be perfect all the time – that anything less wasn’t okay. Boy, was I wrong!! Perfect is way overrated – but a job well done, where you know you’ve worked hard and done your best – well, no one can take that away from you, and you can be proud of what you’ve accomplished.

The hardest thing for me was getting back to school, and getting back into the routine, after being gone so long. For some reason, I was afraid to go back. But then some friends helped me remember – school (for me, work) was a place where I had support, I had friends, I had some success and some familiarity. It was a good place to come back to.

I literally spent the night at my friend/coworker Barb’s house, the night before I was to go back to school after my long absence. She and her husband got up in the morning and did their thing, and I got up and got ready right along with them. Having them there made it easier to do those things, and to actually go to school. It didn’t seem like something I couldn’t handle, because hey, I wasn’t doing it alone! It was still hard, but I felt better after being back that first day. And then it got better by the second day. And so on and so on…I was so lucky to have Barb as "my person" during that time.

Things are good now - but it took a while to get here, and it didn't just magically happen on its own. I hope others know it's okay to seek help, and it's okay to talk about it. I will be that "person" for whomever needs me, whenever they need me. That goes for all of you out there - ok?

60 Years

My grandparents recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. It's an amazing feat to be together for so long, and to have gone through as much as they have, and still be the wonderful people they are. I am so lucky to have them in my life, and will cherish having been able to share this occasion with them.

Eddie & Betty Dugas

The 60th anniversary bash was held in Silver Bay, and had quite a turnout. My dad was the main person who organized it and got everything together (what else is new?). But I think he had a good time, despite working so hard. It looks like he's doing the "Thriller" dance here, but he's actually directing traffic to the buffet - go George!

One of the highlights of the evening was a special event, planned by my aunt Sandy and others. While my grandparents danced to a song especially written for them, my aunt Mary and brother Nathan walked out onto the dance floor. Mary was wearing grandma's wedding gown, and Nathan my grandpa's Navy dress blues. It was so great - Nathan looks enough like grandpa that it was kind of spooky to see him in the old uniform!

Livia, adorable niece o' mine, was a little dance machine - she danced with Auntie Di, with daddy, and with her cousin Dakota. No wonder, she got pooped out by the end of the night (Jess, you get the pun).

Of course, never ones to miss a photo op, my brothers and I hammed it up for this little shot; I'll end it there. Cheers!!

The Dirty Thirties

The list grows longer of those of us who have entered The Dirty Thirties. Recently, my friend Erin and my friend Geb's husband, Paul, were inducted into this dubious club. Prior to that, my brother Brian fell victim, as did my cousin Cindy, Geb, my friend Joy, and many others. My cousin Mike's birthday is this week, and Amanda's hubby Mike has his coming up in early November.

My time as a twenty-something is drawing quickly to a close, too. Soon, it will be my turn, then Amanda's, right around Christmas. My sister-in-law Jessica meets her destiny in February, and Natalie, perpetually younger than all of us, will be the last to go, next July.

What the hell happened? How did we get here?

Seriously, we are NOT this old.

Seriously.

Adding to the Brood?

So these days, I am thinking more and more about adding to my brood. My current brood consists of me, and Pudder. Not much to speak of.

I'm looking pretty hard at adopting a guinea pig. I know, I know; Why the small, furry critter, you ask? Well, several reasons.

1. We had them growing up, and they were awesome.

2. Pudder hates other cats, so that's out.

3. My condo association doesn't allow dogs, so that's out.

4. It's something that will freak Amanda out when she comes over. ;) (love you, Manda!)

5. Low-maintenance, but lots of fun.

6. There's so many of them at shelters, and no one else wants them!!

Here's the guy I'm hoping to go "meet" soon - not sure if he's the one for me, but we'll get acquainted and see...His name is Bump.

More later on whether or not I adopt, and if so, whether it's Bump or some other lucky piggy...